These past few weeks, I feel like I am in this state wherein, I know I should be happy, thankful, and contented, but I feel like there's something that I really can't pinpoint, which makes me feel lonely. You know? If ya feel me, I am relieved, but if ya don't get it, meeee toooo! I don't fucking get it.
I'm kinda forcing myself to reply to messages on social media, to my friends whom I dearly miss and wanna see already. However, I just don't have the energy that needs to be put in during catch-up sessions. I don't really know what's wrong, I feel lost circling this foreign emotion.
I want to take off my mind off things, but that seems impossible you know. Now I am writing this, which doesn't really solve anything for me, because I can't even explain what this is.
Then I remembered the movie Jason and I watched last night, Cloud Atlas. That humans commit the same mistake over and over again. It's like this tendency is already in our DNA, in every era of human existence. Then comes our discussion that life is just a cycle of the same mistake, lamoyun, parang mga movies about experiments of human tendencies, na you are destined to be like this, and this alone. That you are just a pawn in a game of chess. Parang yung Universe 25 na experiment (google mo). Every daga has a role to play in 'society'. There are some deviations in the experiment, but majority speaking, the end result of every cycle is the same. Ano yung ending? Basta.
Historically speaking, madaming notes why justifiable and "history repeats itself". Much like in fashion, nauulit lang naman mauso ang bawat piece of clothing or trend, nagkakaron lang ng variation kumbaga, but basically the same denim jacket, nagkaron lang ng patches or beads in some parts of year 2000s. Gets? Mag iiba lang ang history if someone will go out of his way to change. To really find the purpose of your life and not just accept fate as it is. Sabi ni Jason, it is sad to die not knowing your purpose. Pero naisip ko what do you mean your purpose? Is it really liberating to know that I have to be let's say, a villain to some superhero, because that's how life should be? Yin Yang? North South? I thought, how would you say you have a meaningful life kung may predestined role na tayo sa mundo na paulit ulit lang pala nangyayare since the start of human existence? Like we are born in this world to be this person, lamoyun, may system that must be protected daw sabi sa movie, so every life on earth is predetermined. So really, what's the meaning of life?
Wow. Dito na napunta yung thoughts ko, just because I am tired of playing my role as a recruiter, a social media admin, a daughter, a sister, a jowa, a friend... I am simply tired. I am sorry.
Patawarin sana ako ng mga kaibigan kung di ako nagrereply, because I am not feeling myself right now I swear. I appreciate every person in my life, my support system. With all the things happening right now, my emotions and brain cells can't cope properly.
Pasensya na sa flight of ideas na naman, but here I am again, my dear blog, baring my innermost thoughts to you. Thank you.
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