Regressing at the moment, but finally got the courage to write this one down so I can process my negative thoughts, and hopefully start moviiiiing forward. Right now, I just feel so afraid to go out. I feel like I wanted to stay in this mental safe place I created to preserve the littlest sanity I had left when I resigned.
It's been a little over a month since I left my last employer. That was mid October, but that whole month, I was sick ( first time I experienced flu na magkasunod! like 1 week apart) until like mid November. Then I started going out then, finding new hobbies, just trying my best to not kill myself. You know what I mean?
So, if you are wondering how I got in that point, which I did not expect myself to be in, ganito. This is going to be long and probably you will think that it's no biggie, but to me it cost me my sanity, my self confidence, my peace and my health.
Let's start early this year. January 2025, I resigned from my almost 7 years employment. It was a time to go, explore new things. I intended to rest from work for 2 months, and then end of March I accepted a 3 month contract job. New experience, healthcare volume hiring, in BGC. At first, I felt it was really out of my usual self to accept a job in BGC, but money was good, it covered my grab fare, and it was mid shift, so traffic wasn't so bad. Then, I started enjoying the job, I was performing well, and I get to try new restaurants and even discovered new favorites! M Bakery? Sariwon? Yes.
June 2025, they offered a 4 month extension, I declined. I accepted a full time job, for a similar role I have before the BGC stint. Some of my friends warned me about the people in that company, and when you search for them, there's super limited reviews. A close friend told me na wag ko na lang daw ituloy kasi sobrang sama ng ugali ng GM and the culture hindi daw maganda based din sa high attrition. I was warned yes. Pero I told myself, maybe it will be a different experience for me. I know myself, I am confident that nothing really fazes me. I have a strong personality, my mental health is 100% healthy, I rarely get sick, take note. I only get migraines from time to time, but sick? No, I only get sick like once a year and that's not even like hospital warranting disease.
Disclaimer: This will be looooooong, because I will be remember every detail I can of that experience, just so I can already let it go. :'(
July 2025. My first day, I really felt the vibe was off. Office was an old condo unit of the company owner (just imagine the smell of old hallways, old wood), and they only have like a mailing office address. Understandable since the job is 90% work from home, and the rest you sometimes go client visits, meet candidates, or the townhall which is held in different venues. Ok, during my first day, with my officemate in my previous employer, who referred me, I sensed that the people were not really close, like they are not friends, just work colleagues. You can sense it in the air, how they joke around, hindi sila friends in literal sense. Nagpplastikan lang ganon. On usual occasions, I will not report to work na after this initial vibe check. hahaha. But I gave it a month, sabi ko baka things will change for the better or baka I'm just adjusting and I will like them eventually. Boy I WAS WRONG! Things went just downhill after my first month. The efforts I exerted for this job was tripled the amount I poured in when I was in my last 2 jobs. I met my quotas, I have good friends and workmates, but here? People seem not to care if you are friends or not. The GM I was warned about? Worst human being in the workplace ever. I got my first sale on my first month, I had interviews in the pipe, I can do my own client meetings, I met my KPIs, no reklamo from my lead. But with the GM? Oh my fucking lord, she is not a leader in any aspect of the word. She micromanagers her practice leads, she talks down on them saying they are weak and why are the sales going down. Sobrang lalaitin ka if you are not "useful" to them. I know I am in a business / sales driven environment, but this was not how they run in my last long term employment which is a much bigger company than this. They take care of their people hollistically. Here they fucking consider you as a dispensable pawn that's just here to make money for them.
August 2025. Starting to really put efforts into building my pipeline, knowing clients and all. I was instructed by the BM to put all my/our clients from my previous job in one file, include their contact details too. Although we do not have an agreement that you don't poach clients, I wanted to maintain a good relationship with my past employer, so I don't want to get their active clients. I told GM, siguro I will take lang the inactive ones, so please give me time to check each para naman hindi parang abangers ang dating, na magtatanong ako sa mga kateam ko before. Out of delicadeza. What she told me was this, dapat wala na silang hold sayo, kasi you are not with them anymore for how many months. I am disappointed that you are not putting much effort into this, when one of the reasons we hired you is because we want someone na plug and play na lang. Sabi ko, I can do my own BD naman, like get new clients and not the ones from my previous job. She knows that my previous company is a big player in the market and our clients bring in big revenue, so she wants those. So I reached out to one of my key clients before, to cut the story, they don't agree with the terms. I told the GM about it, sabi nya? Tara let's visit them sa planta para they know you mean business. Like what? I have known them for years, I know how they transact with firms, so you telling me what to do with the client I have worked with for years, that's plain stupidity. What she meant about someone who's a plug and play, I think she wants someone who will just say yes to whatever she wants. Wala kang freedom to strategize on your own. With the heavy workload, the amount of admin works they want you to do, and add the pressure and the efforts she puts for you to fail, wala kang masasabi talaga.
September 2025, my work relationship with my lead got better, she shares the negatives of the company which I already observed. It was just a confirmation that I wasn't hallucinating. She has been sick physically and her job took a really big hit on her mental health. Just as I suspected, hindi sila ok ni GM when I came in, she was about to resign daw when they hired me. But gave another chance because she felt I am good and she'll not gonna have a hard time with me. Ok kami, she gave great feedback, but you know when things are so off, and sales don't really attract or happening because nothing good is going? That's what's going on, I told my lead my dilemma. That I feel like this place is not for me and my health is slowly deteriorating. I can't sleep well at night overthinking what I did wrong, I wake up early dreading to interact with anyone especially the GM. I remember she told me one time, the reason we hired you is you said you can bring in clients. Tama naman sya, I did. I have clients on the pipe, talked to several but they simply don't want to engage with the company. You see, the GM has reputation know in the business already, and people don't want to engage with her. Also, they charge too much on a shorter guarantee which is not a norm in the industry. They see themselves as premium company (ahem with less than 30 people, sure). That's what's happening. I mentioned I got my first hire already right? She asked my on my second month why there isn't one again, if I am that good daw? Meanwhile, the other fairly new employees, she doesn't pester like what she's doing with me. She questions how I do my client meetings, so she went with me on one. When she saw me, she looked at me from head to toe, checked out my bag and said "para kang ano". I did not ask her what she meant because I know it's not good. That's how she is, laitera din, according to my lead. She will look down on you and will say things na "ayan na naman suot nya, wala na ba sya ibang damit? Her skin's breaking out no? Di maganda." Stuff like that. Things that a leader should just keep things like these to herself. Kung wala kang magandang sasabihin, stfu. Ganon na lang sana, but no. She really babbles negative things with her employees, who I heard is just agreeing for the sake of the conversation, or just for avoiding it. I informed my lead that I will send my resignation letter the following week. That was 2nd week of September. Sobrang bagal ng araw for me. I told my lead that, aside from her, nothing's really positive about this job and is the worst company I've been in my 15 years of working. Ok naman sya, she understood where I'm coming from, and alam nyang totoo mga observations ko. Sya, she's also contemplating of resigning, kasi she was diagnosed with depression and a few other things, that are too sensitive to share. Her psychiatrist advised her even to take a leave of absence or much better resign, and rest muna from the toxic environment. Her doctor even said that the GM was the trigger when she's having panic attacks, and that she needs to separate immediately. That's how bad that workplace is.
I would like to mention this and highlight how the GM treats feedback and how she treats her people. I had my first 1on1 with her in a coffeeshop in Pasay (mind you I am from the north, she asked me to visit a client in Pasay and meet her afterwards. Knowing how terrible the traffic is, I asked her if we can do the meeting online na lang para to avoid the rush hour, meet ko lang client and then Zoom na lang when I come home. I was willing to extend hours pa if the meeting was important, pero no. Ayaw nya. Important daw that we do it face to face. I came home that day almost 9pm because of the traffic from Pasay to Quezon City). So ok sure, baka this will give me a chance to know her better. Surely I did! How bad she is of a manager. The first half of the conversation was how was my stay with the company so far, any comments I have. I shared several, I mentioned to her during my interview that I am always up for process improvement, that if I have something in mind, I raise it to management so every one can benefit. One was how demotivating it is to be mentioned that you lost a sale. Every month, we have a townhall, normal naman yan. To discuss where we are at as a business, and what can be done to improve sales. But one highlight in that monthly activity, was the lost sales; it includes the company, the reason, and the person accountable, and sometimes, she put you on the spot, and ask you why you were not able to close the deal. I told her, parang for me, that can be done in a more constructive way na hindi embarassing for the person. Sabi nya, she thinks that people needs that spotlight para to do better. The second part of that discussion was she asked me about my work relationship with my lead. I told her good things about her, although there are some rooms for improvement, my feedback was generally positive, because she really assisted me in the best way, kahit na she's been hospitalized a few times na bago palang ako. The thing was, she was phishing for me to say something negative, her line was like this; "di ba you know naman *** has been out more than usual lately, that's not good indication of leadership, and I can't see tangible efforts from her and you actually of getting in new business. And to be honest, if I will rank all the leads right now, she will be at the bottom of the list." That moment, I was really stunned. You don't talk bad about your one down to another employee, much so about her performance. That's disrespectful. And considering she was a general manager, that's plain offensive for me.
They sent me a 1st month survey mid September, like a check in how was I, my work, my relationship with my peers, how I'm settling in. Basically, the same thing with the 1 on 1, they just want documentation I guess. So, I repeated everything I said. Then her chat. hahaha, she said parang bakit ko pa daw nilagay sa survey. Next time daw I should just tell it to her. Isn't that what the survey's for? Also, I already said those things during our face to face meeting, bakit pa nila ako sinendan ng survey, if they want me to shut up? For all I know, she doesn't want the MD to know about what we talked about. So now, I am her radar. Well, umpisa palang din ata, since badtrip sya sa lead ko, she is looking for something in me too, to power trip us both.
At this point, I don't feel much of working anymore. Not sure if I have mentioned that my lead convinced me that we will both stay until the year ends. She's planning on resigning too! Because of me. Why? Because when I saw how badly she's being treated, I asked her why she's still here. I instanly saw the signs of a victim of abuse in her, she's rationalizing na kasalanan nya why she was scolded, na she should do better because that's what the GM said na leader na sya she should be performing better. If I may say so, my lead is a top performer from her last employer to her. She's done great things in her career, considering that she's actually 2 years younger than me, and already managing people! Whilst me, I don't have plans of leading a team tbh. As a recruiter giving a quick analysis of the work ethics, knowledge, skills, she's really good. So, the GM telling me otherwise? that doesn't add up Ms. because she was the one who's not even that competent. Dinadaya nya ang sales nya and she has a lot of backouts. She has successfully manipulated the MD, or should I say, they are the same breed kaya they understand each other. Later about the MD who's even threatened by a mere recruiter like me.
Another survey came in, my 3rd month temp check. The same as the first one, I indicated everything, this time I have more things to say. One of which was why is she bypassing my lead in terms of the tasks she assigns to me. I was like, since I have a reporting lead, directives should be coming from her then to me. Not GM to recruiter directly, or that could work but the lead should be notified, right? I said on my survey, during one of my client visits, GM came with me but my lead was not aware about it. I was the one who told her that I will be heading to Manila with GM. She was surprised that I have tasks that she's not aware of. Another one, the recruiting platform we use? GM revoked my lead's access and transferred it to me without her knowing. She was on sick leave that day, and GM messaged me, "*** is always on leave, I'll give her RPS to you and bahala na when she comes back". Sa totoo lang, nababastusan ako sa kanya. The way she deals with people, she's not after building relationships, she's just after one transaction and done. I don't care about you if you don't meet what I need. And one big blow to seal it, I said in the survey that, I feel like the environment is not conducive to success. I feel like I am walking on eggshells, eyes at me waiting for me to fail.
October 2025. My 3rd month evaluation. I still got no new hires, but I was able to bring in clients already. Which the GM said is not enough, because I still have no sales for last month, and this month, which by the way only started. So, she sent her feedback to the management. I really appreciate my lead. Although I am quite struggling with my sales, she saw the potential in me. She highlighted my strengths as a recruiter and of course the things that I can improve on. But here's what the gm and the owner said after seeing my lead's evaluation, this is not the exact words but basically the idea of what the management told her about me. Again, this is my 3rd month. Regularization is 6 months, for you to get regularized, you have to get 3 hires. I already have one, and I still have 3 more months to get 2 more. But on my 3rd month evaluation, they have boxed me into something like this: I have to disagree on your evaluation, she's had 1 hire in the past 3 months. She's being paid more than some of her peers, but we're not getting any good numbers from her. This was the comment of the MD, then chimed the illustrious GM, I have to agree, she's really a 4/10 at best. I know these things should not be discussed with me, by my lead. When she talked to me, she was more than offended, she was ballistic! because the feedback was unfair and they only think of us as pawns. If they don't see that you are contributing revenue, you are nothing. To conclude that about me on the 3rd month, considering that I have brought in new clients, they disregarded that, obviously, it just cut me so deep, I can't recover up until now. They made me believe that I am a nobody, that the years I have been doing this was just a decoration, just tenure and no significant achievement. Today, as I write this? I feel like I can't contribute anything good to any company, that's why I declined invitations to apply, and interviews. I feel like I am not good enough, and that I should just fuck myself to die, rot in life and never go back to recruitment again.
Going back, still in October. This has been a long month for me kahit mid October I already parted ways with them. Nauna si lead ko to resign, because she really can't take it, pinapahirapan sya, she's sick like I mentioned earlier, pero pinapasok sya sa "office" every day. Nagka sore eyes sya, GM asked her to meet a client, and go to the office after para mag meeting sila. That's how inhuman she was to her people. At hindi ito isolated case ha, chismis from other consultants na tipong, person was from surgery ha, hospitalized, pero GM asked her to check her email kasi may urgent daw from client. She said kasi na during her ML, she's still working din, kaya she expects the same sa mga tao nya. Also, she does not believe in work life balance. SCAM daw yon. She believes in work life integration. I think, there's nothing wrong with how one can actually juggle work and your personal life, but expecting others or imposing what you believe on others is a different story. Anyway, our resignation was coordinated. 1 week apart lang kami. And during my last day? MD called me to explain the things I included on my resignation letter.
What transpired in that call blew my mind! So, a few days after my manager resigned, a Reddit post was discovered by a close ally of the GM, which the management thought my manager wrote. Although, they did not tell her straight, they are insinuating already, and that topic was indirectly mentioned during our Gmeet. Anyway, MD asked me to elaborate everything on my resignation letter, including the things I heard from other consultants. I mean for the longest time no one dared to raise concerns to the MD, or GM screened what needs to be heard by the upper management. So, MD was surprised about my revelations, sabi nya, “for 16 years, we’ve been in the business, I have never heard about these things. These are serious allegations that you are saying, and without proof!” So ang ate mo sumagot, these are not mere heresay, because it came from the people who experienced it. Sabi ko, for all I know they may be afraid to raise concerns our of fear and for avoiding work conflict, but here I am raising these concerns to you hoping that things may be better for them, to those who are staying. He dismissed that, sabi nya, we will not be in this business successfully if these are true. We take care of our people, and we allow them to take their leaves and not bother them. Ay wow! Talagang wala syang alam sa mga nangyayare. Anyway, according to people naman, MD’s only concern is sales. If you are bringing in revenue, then you are good. If not, something’s wrong with you. Umikot lang ng umikot yung usapan naming kasi ayoko mag concede. Also, it’s important to note that I was sick at that time, as in yung flu na ngongo, at may lagnat ako on that day, pero there I was explaining why I am resigning. So ang ending nyan, sinabihan nya ako about sa Reddit indirectly, na these things should not be taken lightly, and before I put these things out in the public domain, I have to make sure that they are based in truth. That conversation took a lot of energy and will power out of me. Kasi sobrang draining mentally talaga.
Right after my last day, I had a hard time sleeping, since may sakit nga ako that time it really worsen my condition. The feeling was like when I had COVID talaga, pakiramdam ko anytime I will die, and yes the following days I thought of just ending things. Nagppalpitate ako every time I hear anything about the company, the MD & the GM. I feel my muscles tense and my hands tremble.
November 2025, I am feeling better by mid November. I started going out, found new hobbies and focused really on myself and chasing happiness. I felt like a child. I felt regressing too at night. When all things are done, and lights are out, my thoughts will just drift back to bad memories. The only good news is that my former manager is already with a better company and is healing slowly. She looks very happy. I met with her recently and asked me anong plano ko. Sabi ko sa kanya, to tell you honestly I don't know. I feel like I still can't go through the possibility of having a boss and everything will repeat itself. Para akong nag mmid life crisis na because I don't know where to go from here. Suddenly, I lost the spark of working, the joy of facing Mondays, and the motivation to seek challenge. I feel useless, bobo at walang maiccontribute na maganda sa company.
December 2025. Right now I am currently just focusing on helping with the family business. My savings is dwindling so I need to find work na soon. I guess I just have to jump right in and hope that the next thing I will be doing would bring me back to life. hehehe
I wish after this entry, I will feel better and that things will be better.
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