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Letting Go

Sabi nila, the greatest act of love is letting go. Letting go of the person you love most, and let them live their best life without you. 

Edi andito tayo at one of my darkest points of life, listening to 241 by Rivermaya, tapos naalala ko si Rico Blanco at Maris Racal. Nag break sila because apparently, Rico proposed marriage to Maris, but she's not ready yet. She wants to explore and know herself more. Salute for prioritizing herself and not accepting the proposal, kasi she might just end up unhappy and disliking her husband because she sacrificed a big step in her career. Anyway, ang point ko dito was the act of letting go. Rico let her spread her wings, and watch her become the best version of herself. Finding happiness and wonders of life without him. 

Anyway, my kwento today is not super similar, but I felt it was a good story to share with you (tagal kita di nakwentuhan blog), I remembered that time in my life, when I thought I was gonna marry my first love. I was young, naive. He was my first of everything, the love of my life. He introduced me to a lot of things, about life, music, (or so I thought) but then he migrated to the US with his family, when we were around 19/20 years old. Sabi nya he can't do the long distance thing, but I was so willing to give it a shot. I sacrificed sleep, review sesh (I was studying Nursing), and a lot of going out with fam and friends, just to be at home whenever he was available for a skype call. 

Play Jetlag by Simple Plan!! You say good morning when it's midnight, Going out of my head, alone in this bed. I wake up to your sunset, and it's driving me mad, I miss you so bad...

I was there, always present. Always understanding him, his late replies, his dwindling messages, his nonchalant responses. I ignored all those just to prove that I can wait, I can endure everything in the hopes of one day, we will be together again physically. I tried many ways to make things work, but he was just not there. Although I know there wasn't a third party, he just couldn't be on the same page with me because his love language was physical touch. He broke up with me over a text message. Parang hindi pa nga masyado uso ang messenger non, nag lload pa ata ako. It was a painful summer for me. I was at a point in my Nursing degree na make or break. That was one of the loneliest days of my life. I felt that I will love no one but him. Then I met my drunkard barkada, there were just 2 things I did until I graduated. Drink and study. I focused my energy on studying and just being alone wandering Cubao. Although, I've had a few flings before I graduated, but all those are fleeting. I wasn't ready to let go. After a year, he was already seeing someone. My heart was shattered. My world just crumbled down knowing he already moved on, habang ako, I sleep have sleepless nights asking myself, was I wrong? Was I not enough for him to wait for the right time? Tapos makikita mo mas malaki yung boobs nung babae vs. ikaw na flat chested. Wala pati self-esteem naibaon ko na sa lupa. Right at that moment, I promised myself to just focus on my studies, pass the board exam and prove to him that regardless of the pain and everything I've been through, I am still worth something. After a year, I passed everything, even top some of my subjects during review days. 

The moment I passed the board exam, he was the first person that I want to share the good news with. Pero syempre hindi na pwede, he was with someone else na eh. But, I still sent him a message. It was just a brief message, "I just want to let you know, nurse na ako. Thank you for everything". I'm still grateful for everything that happened,  besides, I would have not studied soooooo hard if I was not at all broken hearted that time. After a few years, I looked back and saw that breakup with a silver lining. 

Nasan na ang letting go don? It was after 2 or 3 years pa after I graduated when I started dating again. It was still too painful to see him happy without me. Oo, against doctor's advice, di ko sya blinock sa FB or IG (uso na yan non), I still want to see his posts, his smile with his girlfriend, masokista tayo. I want to feel the pain, until it goes away. It took me years. When I started working, met new people, I learned to forgive myself, and open up to the world. I slowly let go of my old self, the person who gave so much love but ended up alone. Then afterwards, the jowa na ang naging threatened, she even messaged me. I forgot na what were our conversations non, but that time I was over my ex na. I felt ok na. Anyway, the messages with his then jowa was another story, which I will not share na. Next time na siguro? 

Letting go will never be an easy task, whatever the circumstances are. It will take time for you to accept the fact that loving someone unconditionally does not equate to a happy ending. There may be a happy ending, but it may will be in a different scenario; them finding their happy ending with someone else. On the other hand, it is your obligation to pick yourself up, and find your own happiness. Start from within, and not jump into another relationship agad, because you may end up hurting yourself or another person. 

Letting go has different time frames. You move forward in life at your own pace. Letting go is an art. You express yourself in forms that will suit you, not by what the society dictates. Letting go does not mean you are forgetting the person you loved, but merely coming into terms that he or she was only meant to stay in your life temporarily to teach you valuable lesson, and go on his / her way. 

Ayun lang. Tapos na tayo malungkot, naalala lang naman natin. Masaya na ako sa jowa ko ngayon haha. :D

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