I wouldn't consider myself kind. I wouldn't consider myself as forgiving.
But I consider myself understanding.
Why am I writing this? To conclude a chapter, I didn't realize I left hanging. Kaya ko na ba?
I've written several, well, a lot of blogs about that one friend turned lover. Or so I thought.
Actually hindi ko alam sasabihin ko. Ang alam ko lang, kelangan ko lang sya ilagay dito para tapusin yung mga masasakit na pangungusap na nasimulan ko. Yung mga alaala na sa tuwing magugunita ay parang sugat na pilit binubuksang muli. Masakit padin. But the questions, the hate, the regret...they are all gone. I've come to terms with the idea that people make choices that are convenient for them, those decisions that would make them feel better about themselves. Kasi, at the end of the day, it's always our view about ourselves that matters. And if you don't see yourself as walang kasalanan, you will end up like me, staring at my ceiling thinking, how miserable I am to be in this world. Thinking, am I even worth a space in this planet?
Eventually, everyone moves on. There will be a time that your unconsciousness comes knocking at your door and slap you on the face because tanga ka. Naiisip mo padin, para kang ngumuya ng sili na alam mong maanghang, at di ka naman pinaglihi sa samyang, pero pilit mo padin nginunguya, kasi feeling mo strong ka. Gets mo? Conflicting ideas ko, I know. Kaya nga ako nagsusulat eh. Baka sakaling sa mga salita, sa bawat letra na pipindutin ko, dadating yung mga katagang magsasabi na tapos na. Sa wakas, pwede na tayo magsimula ng panibagong kwento. No erase. Period. padlock.
Pindot pindot. bura. bura bura. pindot. hinga. Gusto ko sana magyosi. Pero matagal ko na yun tinigil. Pero parang hinahanap ko.
Hinga.
Yes. Wooooh! I am closing several chapters. To those people in my past that have hurt me, and are already happy with how life turned out for them, I am deeply honored to have walked a road or two, in this journey called life with you. I am immensely glad that you are happy. We may have turned different ways already, but know that I was, and have always been a friend to you. I never forgot how all of you made me fee: special, at the same time neglected. Magulong mundo yung ginalawan nating lahat non, pero tapos na ako don. Nakalagpas na ako sa yugtong, may mga nadadamay na tao, may nasaktan akong hindi ko naman sinadya o ginusto. Tapos na ako sa parte ng buhay, na oo nakakakilig, pero alam kong sa luha din naman pala ang tuloy. Dahil wala namang happy ending sa mga kwentong nagsimula sa pagkakamali. Wala na ako don. Graduate na ako, with flying colors pa nga.
Dati, ang tingin ko sa sarili ko hindi nagbabago. I'm still the same person I was 3 or 4 years ago. Pero hindi pala, when I learned about how the people I was with before, faring with life right now..Naiisip kong di ko na kaya ng ganon. Gusto ko na lang ng payapa,ng walang galit, walang kaagaw.
Sa mga nakaraang buwan, o taon na pinili kong lumayo, mapag isa, natutunan kong itreasure yung mga bagay na nagpasaya sakin, kahit hindi sila nagkakahalaga ng malaki. Nagkaron naman ako ng peace of mind. Mga taong piniling mag stay kasama ako, kahit nakakaumay ako dahil boring akong tao. Meditation, soul-searching, self analysis, hibernation. They made me what I am now. A calmer version of myself. I choose my battles wisely, hindi na ako sumusugod sa mga giyerang alam kong ako lang ang lalaban. May mga giyerang kaya kong lagpasan mag isa. Pero may mga sugal na hindi lang dapat isa ang tataya.
Kanina umaasa ako na sa mga salitang nailathala, dadating ang mga katagang tapos na..
Eto na pala sya... I may not be the type of person to say goodbye, because it cuts deep, I can cry an ocean. but I have realized that, sometimes, goodbye is just a another version of saying, I am closing our chaotic chapter, so we can make a brand new start. Not just for others, but for myself as well.
I am ready to offer a clean slate to life. To people - I am opening up myself again to friends that I tried to avoid for the longest time. All along, here is what I have been waiting...to forgive myself for what have happened. I can now close my eyes, forget about that ceiling, full of agony. I can now take a deep breath, and dream of a happier place. Because I know in my heart, that life goes on, people change, but fishballs' price will never change.:)
But I consider myself understanding.
Why am I writing this? To conclude a chapter, I didn't realize I left hanging. Kaya ko na ba?
I've written several, well, a lot of blogs about that one friend turned lover. Or so I thought.
Actually hindi ko alam sasabihin ko. Ang alam ko lang, kelangan ko lang sya ilagay dito para tapusin yung mga masasakit na pangungusap na nasimulan ko. Yung mga alaala na sa tuwing magugunita ay parang sugat na pilit binubuksang muli. Masakit padin. But the questions, the hate, the regret...they are all gone. I've come to terms with the idea that people make choices that are convenient for them, those decisions that would make them feel better about themselves. Kasi, at the end of the day, it's always our view about ourselves that matters. And if you don't see yourself as walang kasalanan, you will end up like me, staring at my ceiling thinking, how miserable I am to be in this world. Thinking, am I even worth a space in this planet?
Eventually, everyone moves on. There will be a time that your unconsciousness comes knocking at your door and slap you on the face because tanga ka. Naiisip mo padin, para kang ngumuya ng sili na alam mong maanghang, at di ka naman pinaglihi sa samyang, pero pilit mo padin nginunguya, kasi feeling mo strong ka. Gets mo? Conflicting ideas ko, I know. Kaya nga ako nagsusulat eh. Baka sakaling sa mga salita, sa bawat letra na pipindutin ko, dadating yung mga katagang magsasabi na tapos na. Sa wakas, pwede na tayo magsimula ng panibagong kwento. No erase. Period. padlock.
Pindot pindot. bura. bura bura. pindot. hinga. Gusto ko sana magyosi. Pero matagal ko na yun tinigil. Pero parang hinahanap ko.
Hinga.
Yes. Wooooh! I am closing several chapters. To those people in my past that have hurt me, and are already happy with how life turned out for them, I am deeply honored to have walked a road or two, in this journey called life with you. I am immensely glad that you are happy. We may have turned different ways already, but know that I was, and have always been a friend to you. I never forgot how all of you made me fee: special, at the same time neglected. Magulong mundo yung ginalawan nating lahat non, pero tapos na ako don. Nakalagpas na ako sa yugtong, may mga nadadamay na tao, may nasaktan akong hindi ko naman sinadya o ginusto. Tapos na ako sa parte ng buhay, na oo nakakakilig, pero alam kong sa luha din naman pala ang tuloy. Dahil wala namang happy ending sa mga kwentong nagsimula sa pagkakamali. Wala na ako don. Graduate na ako, with flying colors pa nga.
Dati, ang tingin ko sa sarili ko hindi nagbabago. I'm still the same person I was 3 or 4 years ago. Pero hindi pala, when I learned about how the people I was with before, faring with life right now..Naiisip kong di ko na kaya ng ganon. Gusto ko na lang ng payapa,ng walang galit, walang kaagaw.
Sa mga nakaraang buwan, o taon na pinili kong lumayo, mapag isa, natutunan kong itreasure yung mga bagay na nagpasaya sakin, kahit hindi sila nagkakahalaga ng malaki. Nagkaron naman ako ng peace of mind. Mga taong piniling mag stay kasama ako, kahit nakakaumay ako dahil boring akong tao. Meditation, soul-searching, self analysis, hibernation. They made me what I am now. A calmer version of myself. I choose my battles wisely, hindi na ako sumusugod sa mga giyerang alam kong ako lang ang lalaban. May mga giyerang kaya kong lagpasan mag isa. Pero may mga sugal na hindi lang dapat isa ang tataya.
Kanina umaasa ako na sa mga salitang nailathala, dadating ang mga katagang tapos na..
Eto na pala sya... I may not be the type of person to say goodbye, because it cuts deep, I can cry an ocean. but I have realized that, sometimes, goodbye is just a another version of saying, I am closing our chaotic chapter, so we can make a brand new start. Not just for others, but for myself as well.
I am ready to offer a clean slate to life. To people - I am opening up myself again to friends that I tried to avoid for the longest time. All along, here is what I have been waiting...to forgive myself for what have happened. I can now close my eyes, forget about that ceiling, full of agony. I can now take a deep breath, and dream of a happier place. Because I know in my heart, that life goes on, people change, but fishballs' price will never change.:)
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