What I've promised myself can be delayed, sino lang ba lolokohin at paaasahin ko, sarili ko lang din.
Ano nga ba yung promise ko sa sarili ko? Magsulat ng masasayang bagay. Pero everytime na haharap naman ako sa laptop, puro sad thoughts and memories naiisip ko.
Recently, I was haunted by super childhood fragmented memories. I said fragmented because these are memories of my father and I.
I think I have never written something about him, since I really dont know him and I dont have happy memories with him aside from glimpses and very vague things about him.
I know how he looks, before..I know the sound of his voice..or are these just my imagination? Image of what I thought he is..was.
One day, I went home from work, doing the normal things I do, I eat, read a bit of news or a few pages of my numerous book, browse through on all my social media accounts, contemplate on what things I want to do with my life, which are just blueprints that I cant even start working on and stare at the darkness until I fall asleep. As one of my usual staring contest with the dark, a thought suddenly popped into my head, it's him...my father who left us for another woman. The person I thought should be my first true love, the king of my life..scrammed out of our lives forever.
That was just the initial thought, but then an idea came..what does it feels like to have a father? Is it something to be happy about if I have one? I mean, anong pakiramdam na meron kang tatay na uuwian sa bahay, na magtatanong kung kumusta ka na, kung may boypren ka na ba, or yung tipong eksena na magpapakilala ka ng boyfriend tapos kakaliskisan nya ganon. How does that feels like?
Then I felt a deep melancholy which I didnt know could exist in my heart..why does he have to leave us? me? Did I do anything to make him leave? And not reach out to me all these years? What if he comes back and want to reconcile or even ask for forgiveness? What will I do? Should I cry about the years spent without him? Am I gonna feel the urge to cling to him and feel the long been waiting for embrace of a father?
But what if that happens? My mom will feel devastated, knowing that with all the bad things my father did to us, there will come a point that I might forgive him, I might want to spend time with him, just to experience the things I was not able to do with him before.
Masakit isipin na sa daming taon nang nabubuhay ako sa mundong 'to, sa dami ng taong nakasama ko, bakit meron pading isang tao na gusto mo makasama o makita o makilala?
Im not even sure if I really wanna see him..Maybe I'm still stuck with the memory where I longed to have a father..that moment when I was staring at a father fixing her daughter's hair, obviously unsure what he's doing..waiting for the girl's school bus to arrive. It has been that heartbreaking moment that kept me wondering,what would be the difference if I have a father?
Andami kong tanong..iniyakan ko pa nga 'to.I even talked to a dear friend just to make sure I let these things out for me to cope up. I do not regret anything in my life, I am very grateful of all what I have actually,and I dont have the right to ask for more.
Hindi ko man maikubli yung sakit na bigla ko na lang naramdaman, hindi ko man masabi na totoong gusto ko sya makilala, pero ang alam ko, gusto ko lang na maramdaman na totoong napatawad ko na sya. Alam kong hindi padin napapatawad sya napapatawad ni mama, at ang tangi ko na lang dasal sa tuwing naiisip ko yung galit nya,na sana dumating yung pagkakataon na huminga sya ng malalim at bumitaw na sa ideyang talo padin sya hanggang ngayon.
Mahirap sabihin yun sa nanay mo..dahil hindi ko alam ano yung sakit na nararamdaman nya sa tuwing naaalala nya lahat ng nagawa sa kanya. Sa bawat araw o gabi na tutulala sya at iisipin na 'pano kung hindi kami naghiwalay', alam kong me kaakibat na luha. Tangina eh..Hindi ko makakalimutan nung nabanggit nya sakin yun...at alam kong hanggang ngayon dala padin nya sa puso nya yun..
Kaya yung kalokohan kong umiyak at hanapin yung tatay ko, ikinain ko na lang..dahil at the end of the day,it's not the person who's gonna suffer..and if I really cant do about it, why sulk and throw tantrums about it..move on na lang.
Bitin na naman yung entry ko..
With all the days and nights I felt alone, I know, at some place in the universe, at some point in our interstellar concept of time, he'll be thinking of me too.
Ano nga ba yung promise ko sa sarili ko? Magsulat ng masasayang bagay. Pero everytime na haharap naman ako sa laptop, puro sad thoughts and memories naiisip ko.
Recently, I was haunted by super childhood fragmented memories. I said fragmented because these are memories of my father and I.
I think I have never written something about him, since I really dont know him and I dont have happy memories with him aside from glimpses and very vague things about him.
I know how he looks, before..I know the sound of his voice..or are these just my imagination? Image of what I thought he is..was.
One day, I went home from work, doing the normal things I do, I eat, read a bit of news or a few pages of my numerous book, browse through on all my social media accounts, contemplate on what things I want to do with my life, which are just blueprints that I cant even start working on and stare at the darkness until I fall asleep. As one of my usual staring contest with the dark, a thought suddenly popped into my head, it's him...my father who left us for another woman. The person I thought should be my first true love, the king of my life..scrammed out of our lives forever.
That was just the initial thought, but then an idea came..what does it feels like to have a father? Is it something to be happy about if I have one? I mean, anong pakiramdam na meron kang tatay na uuwian sa bahay, na magtatanong kung kumusta ka na, kung may boypren ka na ba, or yung tipong eksena na magpapakilala ka ng boyfriend tapos kakaliskisan nya ganon. How does that feels like?
Then I felt a deep melancholy which I didnt know could exist in my heart..why does he have to leave us? me? Did I do anything to make him leave? And not reach out to me all these years? What if he comes back and want to reconcile or even ask for forgiveness? What will I do? Should I cry about the years spent without him? Am I gonna feel the urge to cling to him and feel the long been waiting for embrace of a father?
But what if that happens? My mom will feel devastated, knowing that with all the bad things my father did to us, there will come a point that I might forgive him, I might want to spend time with him, just to experience the things I was not able to do with him before.
Masakit isipin na sa daming taon nang nabubuhay ako sa mundong 'to, sa dami ng taong nakasama ko, bakit meron pading isang tao na gusto mo makasama o makita o makilala?
Im not even sure if I really wanna see him..Maybe I'm still stuck with the memory where I longed to have a father..that moment when I was staring at a father fixing her daughter's hair, obviously unsure what he's doing..waiting for the girl's school bus to arrive. It has been that heartbreaking moment that kept me wondering,what would be the difference if I have a father?
Andami kong tanong..iniyakan ko pa nga 'to.I even talked to a dear friend just to make sure I let these things out for me to cope up. I do not regret anything in my life, I am very grateful of all what I have actually,and I dont have the right to ask for more.
Hindi ko man maikubli yung sakit na bigla ko na lang naramdaman, hindi ko man masabi na totoong gusto ko sya makilala, pero ang alam ko, gusto ko lang na maramdaman na totoong napatawad ko na sya. Alam kong hindi padin napapatawad sya napapatawad ni mama, at ang tangi ko na lang dasal sa tuwing naiisip ko yung galit nya,na sana dumating yung pagkakataon na huminga sya ng malalim at bumitaw na sa ideyang talo padin sya hanggang ngayon.
Mahirap sabihin yun sa nanay mo..dahil hindi ko alam ano yung sakit na nararamdaman nya sa tuwing naaalala nya lahat ng nagawa sa kanya. Sa bawat araw o gabi na tutulala sya at iisipin na 'pano kung hindi kami naghiwalay', alam kong me kaakibat na luha. Tangina eh..Hindi ko makakalimutan nung nabanggit nya sakin yun...at alam kong hanggang ngayon dala padin nya sa puso nya yun..
Kaya yung kalokohan kong umiyak at hanapin yung tatay ko, ikinain ko na lang..dahil at the end of the day,it's not the person who's gonna suffer..and if I really cant do about it, why sulk and throw tantrums about it..move on na lang.
Bitin na naman yung entry ko..
With all the days and nights I felt alone, I know, at some place in the universe, at some point in our interstellar concept of time, he'll be thinking of me too.
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