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Pseudocardiovascular collapse

Good day, from the Philippines na currently hinahagupit ng Typhoon Marukhit, a.k.a. Ompong.
Or baka nakaalis na sya sa PAR, wala pang balita si NDRRMC, na nagka lablayp na kaya wala na paramdam.

Bakit kasi hindi nila bigyan ng magandang pangalan yung mga bagyo? Laging hindi kagandahan eh. Di man lang, Zoraida, Segunda, Josefa. Yung classy, para kahit ang pangit ng panahon, ansaya padin tawagin ng pangalan nung bagyo. May lambing. May landi, pwedeng mahalin, para umalis na sya. Kasi ganon yon, pag minahal mo, iiwan ka. Hugot sa intro palang!

What do I feel about writing today? Dahil nasa bahay lang ako, I might just work, and singit reading, writing, and hopefully a couple of beers just to cap off a gloomy night. September na, malapit na naman matapos ang taon, malamig na naman ang ating pasko!

So again, the topic for today, mga bata, ay tungkol sa hopeless kong lablayp! hahaha. Ewan ko ba, bakit hindi ako nagsasawang utuin sarili ko na baka someday, balang araw in tagalog, dadating din ang prince charming na jjamming sa nanunumbalik kong bisyo.

How do I even start, when everything is falling apart? Well, it already did. Ako lang yung nagpupumilit na baka pwede pa?

I wanted to be there for him, in good times and bad. But, he already decided that he wants me out of his life. We can talk, but as friends. Minsan naiisip ko para akong may 50 shades of katangahan. Tinataboy na nga ako, ako pa yung lapit ng lapit. For what reason? I don't know. In the very beginning, I never intended for the relationship to last. We both knew that we have different priorities in life, and sooner or later, we will break up, for sure. Plus, we once broke up, dahil sa kataksilan nya, pero syempre pinatawad ko. Shunga nga kasi.

Anyway, 3 months already gone since we broke up, until now di pa ako nakakapag decide kung mag mmove on na ako at sundin na ang steps nung previous kong post. Pero werid enough, Im not crying over the fucking spilled milk. I've gone thru that stage in just a few weeks. But you see, pain hides in different forms, and this is harder. I have discovered that the pain I am feeling right now, cuts deeper, not because I, again, got dumped for very selfish reasons. I was willing to compromise, to sacrifice things. Pero dahil hindi meant to be, no use of pushing for it, right?

Or!!! This could be a pseudobrokenhearted-ness. Yaknow, I was really used to the loneliness breakups can cause, but this is different. This is an expected event. Although, I did not foresee that this could hurt bad as much, or even worse. I may be infatuated with the idea of moving on, kahit ang reality eh I'm already over him. Maybe? Maybe not.

It could be that I am just not ready to throw myself out there again, that's why I cling to the idea of being broken. So, I can tell myself that I don't have the chance to be with someone anymore.

Ergo, I diagnose myself with pseudocardiovascular collapse. I may need placebo just to fill the void I have in my heart right now.

Congrats to myself, you are talking to yourself again, on a saturday night. Maybe I also need a change of scene on weekends? Mag isip muna ako how to heal myself again. :p



Comments

star said…
Tara red horse :)
RV said…
Sino ka star?:p
Anonymous said…
starman89
Anonymous said…
Wag ka mapagod. Kusa din yan mangyayari. Ang para sayo ay para sayo. Let the universe guide you and when fate says its time then it'll all be worth it. You need to enjoy life more and bring all that positive glow that you had before. Don't let the past dictate who you are and who you want to be :) just be happy like jolibee hehehe
RV said…
uy! Hindi soundcloud yung reply mo ngayon infer! hahaa.
RV said…
Lahat naman ng tao napapagod, ang kelangan lang naman sa taong pagod, ay pahinga diba? Parang nakita mo na yung positive glow ko dati? hahaha. Pero thanks. I've been thinking a lot, and I realized that, the things and heartaches of the past can haunt and hurt you, only if you let them. Kaya di na. I'm moving forward! And I...thank yows! ;)
star said…
Oh... Tara na! Marami pako gusto parinig syo sana :)